When A Midwife is Pregnant

Artwork by Katerina Bak

Woahhhhh. A few hazy whirlwind months ago, my husband and I discovered that we were expecting our first child together.

I sat on the toilet in disbelief, holding that little pee stick test in my hand and looking at my husbands face as he stood in the doorway. Pregnant? Me? For real? A tiny little life was being knit together within me?! Cells multiplying so fast… New strands of DNA marking this brand new human’s future… Within me.

Woah.

I had walked through this experience with so many women. I’ve sat across from her, with her glowing cheeks and her round beautiful belly— which would every now and then display a little foot moving just inside. She would touch the area where the movement occurred and we would both smile. A little child was making himself known, stretching, dancing, reacting to our conversations.

I have counseled women as they shared their discomforts with me, giving them remedies and solutions and encouragement.

I have walked through miscarriage and stillbirths with women.

I have listened to fetal heart tones. I have felt the contours of a growing uterus and of growing babies. I have assessed vital signs and drawn blood work and performed Pap smears. I have counseled about nutrition and self-care.

I have attended so many incredible, healthy home births… witnessing family after family welcome their little ones. I have also attended labors that ended in difficulty, a change of plan, as we transported to a hospital setting for a variety of reasons.

I have always been in awe of the body and how it reproduces. I have always been in awe of women as I watch them become mothers or as their families grow by one or two more. I have always been in awe of labor and of birth… as the hormones wash over the room and the lights dim and time seems to be more abstract than ever before.

But now… now that there is a brand new life within me… this awe has transformed and has grown deep twisting roots for tall swaying trees… and the tops of those trees provide a landing place to what feels like millions of white butterflies.

This awe has exploded into a deeply personal and wild internal painting on my heart. One that the Holy Spirit and I collaborate in completing. There are brushstrokes of color I have never seen before, even after walking so closely and intimately through this journey with others. Nothing will compare to this first journey of carrying a precious little soul.

As a young girl, I didn’t think I would or could ever conceive a child. And this belief stuck well into high school and young adulthood as my menstrual cycles were all over the place and I experienced extreme and unexplained dysmenorhea.

But things change.

Oh- how beautiful it is that things change.

What a wild blessing it was to learn and study pregnancy, birth, and the postpartum period in such detail for the past 5 years or so. It’s been a gift to walk into through my own pregnancy- this season of life - with so much knowledge and the peace and confidence that comes with that. I’m not taken off guard by experiences that many first-time mommas are surprised by, and for that I am grateful. But oh, on the flip side of the shiny coin come the dreams and fears and anxieties I have experienced so far— just from the fact that I know the details of much… that I have seen much.

I had several dreams early in the first trimester that were so vivid. Not all of them were good dreams, in fact… many of them weren’t. One of them, that will stick with me, took place inside of my womb. In my dream, my eyes were seeing the inside of my uterus. I was watching my placenta implant into the uterine wall. I was watching the spiral arteries set into position… only I was watching them implant in such a way that is thought to be the initial pathology of preeclampsia, a severe hypertensive disorder experienced most commonly in first time mothers. The dream wasn’t much more. Just a simple but intense scene within my womb.

I am not sure this dream would’ve come into my subconscious mind if it weren’t for my extensive study on the topic. With this comes the tug-and-pull between the gratitude and frustrations I have for my recent life history as a midwife and how it has been a precursor to my own pregnancies and births as a woman.

After waking up from this dream, I had some emotional work to do. Over the next several days and weeks, I would spend time in prayer and meditation as well as hashing out these thoughts with my very best friend, my husband.

I had to work through this very sobering reality that I am not in control of everything. (What a groundbreaking idea?! Right? haha!) I had to walk through what it would look like if I indeed developed a complication or required a higher level of medical care, such as a Cesarean section. These thoughts were not things I wanted to manifest or wish into existence. For me, walking through these possibilities, exploring their outcomes, and surrendering the things I knew I couldn’t control was SO freeing to my heart. I am still working through these holistic sensations with each passing day as a pregnant midwife…. and that is perfectly okay. I am choosing to walk through this experience as a normal part of life.

My support system has been so crucial through it all so far.

My kind, PATIENT, and wonderfully hilarious husband is the best partner. And I swear, my heart will probably melt into a PUDDLE when I see him with our baby this spring.

My midwives have also been essential to this journey. I personally don’t believe in “being my own midwife” as some people have assumed or asked me about. I don’t think that concept makes much sense. To midwife is to be “with woman,” to serve her, to listen to her, to witness her, to walk beside her and bear the weight of the journey together. How could one do this alone? I suppose she could… but I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. It’s been an odd surprise that thoughts or facts that were/are readily available when I am working with clients aren’t as easy to access in my brain when caring for myself. Its strange.

It takes someone else to see certain things, to counsel about certain things, to support in ways I cannot support myself.

My understanding of midwifery has expanded as I have been on the receiving end. I thought community and the concept of “bearing together “ was important before… and now? …

Now… I know that it is essential.

The winter season makes itself more and more known and I continue to drive from home to home to serve others as a midwife during my pregnancy. My calling combining with the blessing and expectancy of a baby on the way…

Empathy for others has increased.

Compassion has increased.

Understanding has increased.

Humility has increased.

Wonder has increased.

My heart flutters even more than it ever has in this “work” we call midwifery.

I am grateful.

Thank you, God for this precious life you have given me… with all of its trials and excitement. I count it all joy.

Sincerely,